My Return to Public Speaking (with some help from my students)

A year ago, I was sitting in a small room at Scripps Mercy Hospital in San Diego relearning to clearly say simple words like “house,” “what,” and “sandwich” with a speech therapist.  Last week, I gave a stutter-free speech to the entire faculty and staff at my school about what I learned as an educator while teaching during a personal crisis.  It was my first time to speak in front of a large group after a year and a half struggle to regain my speech and overcome a new fear of public speaking.   To say that moment last week was a gift would be an understatement.

I briefly explained my physical struggle to the staff, many who do not know me well and had no idea what I had experienced.  We are a fairly large school and staff, and honestly, I avoided conversations and socializing with most people throughout my speech situation because the stutter made me extremely uncomfortable and the struggle to form words was exhausting, so I reserved it for only necessary and life-giving conversations.  Though, I did have a close-knit community of faculty, staff, and administrators on campus that shared in my journey the entire time.

After explaining a little background of my health issues and how Parkinson’s medication is now controlling my speech problem, I showed the staff the three-minute video "Sometimes the Teacher Becomes the Lesson" you can also find at the link after this paragraph. Two filmmakers who work with me as guest, teaching artists shot and edited the piece.  It tells the story of what watching my struggle was like for my students.   It’s an impactful video about the power of vulnerability, something I had to learn the hard way in all of this.  Normally, I like to keep my personal problems and struggles to myself and usually a few close friends, but when all of the sudden you start to sound like Porky Pig, it’s hard to hide something like that.   The video in the link below is what gave me the courage to speak publicly about my experience. 

After the video, I told the staff there were four reasons I wanted to share my story with them:

 1.     The video shows that sometimes it’s important, necessary, and valuable to let people in -- even our students.  Boundaries are so important, particularly in the teacher-student relationship.  I rarely answer personal questions that students pose, but, as you can see from the video, sometimes students can learn through our struggles.  It was helpful for them (and me) to share what was a personally scary and challenging situation, as I continued to teach and guide our film program.   

2.     The video is also a reminder of what awesome students we have the privilege of teaching.  Seriously, I could not have felt more supported by a group of teenagers.  Newsweek magazine recently reported that our school is the 97th best high school in the country.   A lot of that ranking is based on test scores and statistics.  To me, it’s because we are an arts-focused high school with an amazing staff and students who love our school, and all of that translates into high performance.  Oh, the students can still drive you crazy, but what an impressive group of young people we teach.

3.     I also wanted to thank the staff and administrators who helped me continue to work throughout this challenge.  On the days when I woke up in the morning and literally hated the way I sounded for almost a year, the strength I draw from my personal faith in Christ and the support I had at work are how I was able to come to school each day to teach a communications class despite a major communication problem.  I felt supported and encouraged every day at work in more ways than I can express.  

4.     Lastly, one of the biggest losses for me in the year my speech was out of sync was the idea that after a lifetime of public speaking, I might never be able to speak as well as I had in the past or feel comfortable enough to attempt it again.  Even after the medication began to control the speech problem (if I stop taking the medication, the stutter begins to resurface), I felt terrorized any time I considered getting back in front of a group to speak again.  So, I wanted to face that fear and get back in the game.  And, I couldn’t think of a better place to start.

Honestly, my brief presentation was sort of an out of body experience, but I have received so much positive feedback that I believe it went well.  I think it was definitely different than what anyone was expecting for our 7:30am faculty and staff meeting.  I personally am trying to live out the view of community that involves knowing God, knowing yourself, knowing others, and allowing others to know you and see Christ in you.   It’s uncomfortable and vulnerable, but I have seen just how impactful it can be.   At every turn through this ordeal, I keep experiencing 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

In my lifetime, I have spoken on live television to hundreds of thousands of people on a regular basis, on the stage at state, regional, and national conferences, and in more venues than I can count since I was in elementary school.  But last Wednesday’s public speaking experience topped them all, because it marks the restoration of a gift I feared was lost.  You often hear the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”  I just had the rare opportunity to experience the pure joy of getting it back.