This is hard for me to say – literally

Last Sunday, a movie about a king, his speech impediment, and the speech therapist who comes to his aid won four Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. In an unusual turn of events, I am dealing with a speech impediment of my own for the first time in my life. It started about two months ago. There’s a real possibility medication triggered something in my brain to cause the stutter. The struggle to do something that has come so easily before most likely made the problem worse. After multiple tests, these are the thoughts of my primary care doctor, a neurologist and a speech pathologist who all feel speech therapy can turn things around. There are some big words they also used, but that’s the general explanation. Yes, I now have a neurologist, and I hopefully will have a speech therapist soon. It’s interesting how something like this can become normal in your world so quickly. I am now part of approximately one percent of all adults who have a stutter. Fortunately, it is no longer getting worse.

It is hard to explain the sadness and frustration I have felt. I imagine it’s like a singer who damages her voice or a baseball player that breaks his arm. Growing up, speech and drama were my passions. I had a career as a television reporter and anchor. I am a communications teacher. I speak at teacher conferences. I co-lead a spiritual formation class. I love intentional and random personal conversations. I am a talker. But, right now, talking is sometimes difficult. The struggle to physically produce words that I have ready in my mind is tiring. At this point, the phone is not my friend. It is an odd experience to have such a clear thought, only to have delayed verbalization of that thought. Fortunately for short conversations and brief instructional presentations, it can appear I am just being very deliberate, thoughtful, or just hesitant about my word choices, but inside there is a struggle.

It’s ironic that at this moment, The King’s Speech is the most critically acclaimed movie at the box office. If you do not know, it’s the story of England's King George VI, who was plagued by a crippling speech impediment since childhood. Much of the film focuses on his relationship with a speech therapist. It’s a movie I wanted to see when I first heard about it last year. Then, a couple of months ago, it became a little too close to home, and I avoided it. Recently, I finally went to see it, and it was both hopeful and hard for me to watch. There’s this moment in the film when the King, at the urging of the therapist, breaks into a barrage of curse words in a fit of frustration. I have struggled nowhere near as long or as difficultly as he has, but that is a moment I completely understand.

What I have learned during my short time dealing with a speech impediment:

• In general, people are more compassionate than I thought. I experience it every time I go to order something at a restaurant and cannot get the words out fast enough.

• “Wh” and “H” words are hard to form. There go my standard phone introductions of “Hello” or “What’s up?” So basically, all questions words are slow for me right now. With a few close friends, I have started dropping the who, what, why, when, or how…and just say things like “are you doing.” Fill in your own question word please.

• Verbal recognition phone menus are worse than I thought before, especially when you cannot answer the voice prompted questions fast enough. And, blast the companies that do not allow you to press zero to get to a real person.

• Laughter is helpful and healing. True, I have cried about this unusual situation, but I have laughed a lot too. Someone suggested the other day I should throw a party, and see how much people would have to drink for everyone else to have speech impediments too. While not wanting to promote drunkenness, that’s pretty funny. Do not be surprised if you receive that facebook event invite from me. Jokes are not exactly easy for me right now. In The King’s Speech, the speech therapist asks the King “Do you know any good jokes?” The King replies “…Timing is not my strong suit.”

• I have a whole new perspective on my parents constantly telling me as a child to “think before you speak.” I now have a new foot-in-mouth filter. It works most of the time.

• Silence can be golden. One of the treatments suggested for this disorder is vocal rest when you are tired.

I choose to believe that this is temporary. I have faith that God can heal my speech and will use this situation for His greater glory. I am not someone who asks “why me” or blames God. I am proactive medically and spiritually, and I look forward to an awesome success story to share. I know that in the scheme of eternity this is just a bump in the road and a minor medical problem. But, in the middle of the battle, it is hard. I am literally going to have to retrain my brain to do something that has always been a strength and skill. Fortunately, God has surrounded me with a loving family, awesome friends, an amazing church community, and a great workplace. I was struggling to get a word out the other day and a friend said, “Take your time, I’m in no hurry.” I feel like God’s saying the same thing. If you pray, please pray for my speech. I would like to be able to clearly, easily, and verbally tell you my story one day soon.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12

P.S. Go see The King’s Speech. It really is an awesome movie.

UPDATE February 27, 2014 -- An answered prayer at the 2013 TEDxYouth@SanDiego.