As Good As It Gets?

My first week back at speech therapy, the therapist gave me what I considered a sad assignment: write an essay on what if this is as good as your speech will get. Actually, I was angry, because I feared that she was throwing in the towel and wanted me to prepare for the worst. Below is some of the essay I wrote:

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What if this is as good as it gets?

I think the question bothers me more than the possibility. My speech has improved so much by all accounts, with two months of speech therapy, that I prefer to focus on continuing to work towards the goal of restoring my speech to its original fluency. Unless told it is medically impossible to improve, I choose to believe that if I keep working at it, I will continue to increase fluency as I have in the last few months. I feel like that is a positive and healthy attitude that is backed up by evidence that the therapy exercises have helped the situation thus far.

But, if this is as good as it gets, I will definitely grieve the loss of what once was. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,” Matthew 5:4. In a healthy and therapeutic way, I have already allowed myself to grieve the situation. I have cried more than I traditionally do. When I recently heard the tape recording of one of my first speech therapy sessions, I cried because of how much that did not sound like me, but I was also crying because I knew how much better I now sound than when I first arrived at therapy.

I know that my speech is a part of my identity, and that is perfectly reasonable. I have spoken for a living for almost 20 years, and before that I participated in speech and drama for most of my childhood and teenage years. I truly believe God gifted me in these areas of communication. I am so grateful for the ability to translate concepts and ideas through spoken and written words. But, ultimately I know that my true identity is in Christ, and he can use me in my weakness, whether that is with a mild speech impediment or through my own life story, as much as He has and will use my strengths. This speech situation has been a challenge and a sad occurrence, but it does not define me.

If my speech does not return to the original fluency I have had all my life, I would definitely grow accustomed to the difference. Even recently, I have grown more and more comfortable speaking in most every day settings despite the repetition of sounds. At times, I even forget I have a speech impediment. If this is as good as it gets, I would continue to be a teacher. I would continue to accept public speaking engagements. I have always thought if I ever wanted to get back into television reporting or anchoring, I could, because I chose to leave television to teach. The speech impediment would make that more challenging, but it could still be possible with extra time and effort. Former ABC reporter/anchor and current host on the Fox Business Network, John Stossel has had a stutter his whole life, and he’s had a successful television career. It was only recently, though, that he felt comfortable appearing on live television. I am also allowing myself the grace to accept more difficult or public speaking appearances as I feel more comfortable to do so.

So, if this is as good as my speech gets, I will grieve but with the hope that I have because of Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:13), and I know that ultimately He is all I need.

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After writing and turning in the above essay, several things happened. One, I released some of the fear of the future. Two, my therapist told me she believes I will regain my normal speech fluency, because of the progress I have made. She also believes time is going to be a big factor in recovery, and I need to be OK with that. There may still be another medical option she will provide to my doctor upon release. Third, she told me she believes God placed me in her care, because she specializes in each of the areas my voice and speech are most impacted – a combination of specialties that is unusual. Her strengths in therapy are the areas I am the most weak. Then, she also told me she believes in the things I shared in my essay, and she had never before shared an indication of her faith during our time.

The HMO randomly picked my speech therapist. I still do not know if the therapy costs will be covered. It’s nice to have simple reminders that God is in control.